Jokes

Here’s a big batch of fresh jokes for you – enjoy!

1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
2. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
3. I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.
4. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
5. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
6. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
7. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
8. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
9. I told my friend has 11 months left to live. He owes me money in March.
10. Parallel lines have so much in common… It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
11. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
12. I told my computer I needed a break and now it won’t stop sending me KitKat ads.
13. Why don’t some couples go to therapy? Because they’d rather stay married.
14. I bought a boat because it was for sail.
15. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
16. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
17. Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
18. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
19. What did one wall say to the other wall? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
20. I told my plants they need to start pulling their weight around here. Now they’re all leaving.
21. Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
22. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
23. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
24. My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting wearing a Batman costume.
25. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.