Jokes

Here’s a big batch of fresh jokes for you:

1. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
2. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
3. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
4. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
5. I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
6. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
7. I told my dog all my problems and he fell asleep halfway through.
8. Parallel lines have so much in common… It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
9. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
10. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
11. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
12. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
13. Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.
14. I threw a boomerang a few years ago… I now live in constant fear.
15. What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor.
16. I told my computer I needed a break and now it won’t stop sending me KitKat ads.
17. Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
18. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
19. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That sounded like a huge step forward.
20. Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.